This is a tribute to the smartass guy, who used to show the ‘cult’ movies on SBS and bag crap out of them. One day, I want to be a smartass SBS announcer. To have some stranger approach me in a bar and say: “Oi, you’re the bloke who shows them adult films on SBS!”

What glorious ambitions! I’m writing an application for the position of “Saturday Night Movie Sarcastic Guy”. Movie ratings aren't important. No one gives a crap if someone gives a movie a "big thumbs up". Take your thumbs, and cram them up your... nose!

Each review sticks to a 100 word limit (loosely) for your convenience, not mine. Enjoy.

Anger Management

“Enjoyable, forgettable date movie. Surprisingly didn’t make me angry.”

When you combine worlds’ greatest pedo look-alike (Jack Nicholson) with TV’s favourite angry-man being angry (Adam Sandler) you get one of the wackiest, crappiest, cheapest pieces of faecal matter ever. It is chocolate coated faecal matter… so some bits might taste nice… but will you risk it? I watched it 5 minutes ago, and have already forgotten what it was about. I recall it being good, and surprisingly relaxing. But average. What gives, man? Good for cheerin’ up morbid freaks.

The Italian Job

”Blah!”

I started watching the first half of this, but the so called “criminal masterminds” started to resemble the cast of Baywatch. I’m sorry to inform you, that ‘pretty boy’ and ‘busty chick’ are a bit hard to take seriously. They make me cry in the pants. This was much like a Mafia movie, but without the ugly guys… strangely this proved to be a very, very bad thing. Oh, but wonderfully expensive looking! Someone must have lost a LOT of money here! What justice! I’ll watch the rest when my IQ drops.

The Butterfly Effect

”Behold an interesting film about an angry, angry young man.”

Whoa! Crazy, crazy crap! Embark on a Time Travel journey that doesn’t suck dog phallus. About a man who goes back to when he was a kid and keeps making things rather crap for everyone around him, and changing his future… screwing things up worse and worse. Why? Good question. See this movie, or die a horrible death. If you’re asexual, you won’t enjoy the intimate scenes, but I assume just about every single one of you only rent “MA” movies for one reason. Perverts!

 Sin City

“What the bloody hell?”

Serious. Monotonous. Confusing. Uncharacterised. Repetitive. Obnoxious. Seemingly never-ending. Strange. “Artsy”. Film noir. Max Payne rip-off. Black& White. Boring. Please pardon the fragments, but I had to fit those into the word limit. Apart from that, the only thing that makes this movie, is watching Frodo (Elijah Wood will never be seen as anything else) being eaten by a dog, watching some ugly yellow man having his balls ripped off, and lots and lots of boobies being shown! Going, going, sold!

Freddy Got Fingered

“It didn’t touch MY private areas… just my pets.”

A movie that forever haunts the dodgy end of all video stores, and I promise it contains NO fingering scenes. Talk about fake advertising! Earl was so annoyed when he saw this surprisingly hilarious film. It follows a much messed up “28 year old man” as he emphatically reminds his father. A movie that dares to cross boundaries of crude wit, but at least its wit, and not constant fart jokes. A movie to laugh at, rather than with. Don’t tell anyone it’s a favourite of mine. Please, I beg of you.

 Reservoir Dogs

“This movie was so good; I made illegal copies of it!”

Quentin Tarantino may be a racist piece of crap, but his movies sure do vary! This one’s full of backstabbers, Mafia lingo, and juicy violence. Most of the movie is set in one room (compare it to SAW, which rocked), whilst you try and work out what the hell happened. After seeing this, suddenly lots of Simpson’s jokes made sense.

“See this? I’m playing the world’s smallest violin”. This cheap, but awesome film is now in my “See or die” list; Hire it, copy it, sell it…legally, yes… legally. Right?

The Silence of the Lambs

 “Intense, yet boring glory - Yes it's possible.”

If you’re a fan of crazed serial killers hitting on cops after smelling them, and a fan of watching movies that don’t actually SHOW what the devil happens to a crapload of people who just so happened to be skinned alive … now IF you enjoy these things, I think there’s something very, very wrong with you, but at least you can enjoy this film which feeds off endless suspense, and no laughs whatsoever. Enjoy wasting the longest 90 minutes of your life. Creeps.

Wolf Creek

 “40 damned minutes before there’s even any ‘creepy music’”

40 minutes of Bogans! 40! I counted 40 damned freaking minutes of people sitting in a car drinking and talking - know how many people? 3! 3 people! And the movie is rated "R"? When there are only 3 people to kill off in the whole movie? What a jip! Apart from that - it kicks more butt than Jackie Chan when he's angry at white boys.* Oh – and there’s one good splatter.

*This movie has absolutely nothing to do with Jackie Chan; I've no idea why I even mentioned him.

A Clockwork Orange

"I say, I say BOY! It's messed up! DAMNED messed up, that is!" - Foghorn Leghorn, on behalf of Adrian Snrub.

This is the kind of movie that's not stocked up on shelves. And is it any wonder? It's insane. A movie designed to mess with your head, ruin classical music for everyone, and make us expect an axe to come through the door at any moment with strong acts of violence and doing the "in/out" with women. The director was whacked out on drugs, wrote a script, and here it is. I'll watch it again and again until I become a crazed murderer. There are two kinds of people in this universe... people who have seen this movie, and people who haven't. Go watch this piece of history, and then bleach your eyes!

That's all Folks!...

...for now. (dun dun duuuun)

Boo. adrians_blogs_r_us@yahoo.com.au All I've done with my holidays is watch movies. PS: DON'T see Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest (it sucks), OR Click with crap sappy story and Adam Sandler (which also sucks).

PS: I'm not racist just because I think telemarketers should have decent communication skills, "Chezza". And "freedom-not-fascism", no one needs to bow to you.

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